This Dad's Strongly Worded Email About the Stupidity of Buying a Peloton Bike Is Perfect
19 April 2019
After Claire O'Connor finished her taxes, she had a hole burning in her pocket from all that sweet, sweet refunded government moolah. Looking for something nice to buy herself, Claire found the uber-fancy Peloton Bike... a potential purchase her father did not find necessary.
When Claire's dad caught wind of her idea to buy a Peloton Bike, he sent her an email that's making the entire internet reconsider the ways it spends its money.
via: ShutterstockHave you heard of the Peloton Bike? It's actually stunning that it exists in the first place: it is an admittedly well-designed but wildly expensive stationary bike with a built-in touch screen display.
via: Getty ImagesWell, as it turns out, the Peloton might not be the best use of Claire's money. Or really, anyone's money. There are some, how should we say, hang-ups to the Peloton experience.
via: ShutterstockThe Peloton is expensive. We're talking the 2,245 US dollars-kind of expensive. Just think of everything you could do with 2,245 dollars. Why, you could order a hot dog at a baseball game every single inning (honest to god why does a Dodger Dog cost six and a half dollars? Am I losing my mind over here?)
via: ShutterstockIt's not an iPad you can load up with whatever content you want to watch while you sweat up a storm. Oh no. The Peloton Bike's touchscreen only displays workout videos... from the Peloton company. That's right, if you drop four months' rent on this bad boy, you can't watch Youtube or Crunchyroll or anything else while you cycle. Only Peloton. Peloton is love. Peloton is life.
via: ShutterstockOoh, did we forget to mention the monthly $39.99 subscription service to get those workout videos? Yeah, if you don't keep sending Peloton your hard-earned dollars, the touchscreen becomes a black obelisk awkwardly adhered to your admittedly-well-designed-but-still-pretty-regular stationary bike. That means that if you want to get the most out of it, you have to not only pay for your Peloton Bike, but also keep on paying for the Peloton Bike until you either die or decide fitness "just isn't your thing."
via: ShutterstockBut you'd expect the email to get right to the point and then move on. "Don't buy that dumb bike, you nincompoop" would be a reasonable — if not necessarily kind — sort of email in this situation.
via: TwitterWe could all use a quick and easy way to drag someone, if it comes to it. You don't want to be caught flat-footed when it's time to drag.
via: TwitterWow, this is such a definitive statement on the part of the dad, and a wake-up call for Claire to reconsider any and all purchases she's both made in the past and is planning on making in the future.
via: TwitterHere are some other ways God tells us people have too much money: 4K TVs, truffle butter, any party or corporate event with a chocolate fountain, improv classes, the queso at Chipotle, dentists.
via: TwitterWhere's the lie? There isn't a single stationary bike in the world that's incompatible with podcasts. And despite what Yony Feng says, any other stationary bike is exactly as mobile as the Peloton, so she can point that stationary bike right at the TV. And waves on sand? Well, you could watch a waves on sand gif on pretty much any device with a screen. I bet there's a programmer somewhere putting a waves on sand gif into a TI-84 graphics calculator as we speak.
via: TwitterAgain, where's the lie? There are maybe four people in the world I'd want broadcasting encouragement while I'm on a stationary bike, and not one of them is a cycling pro. (For the record, those four people are Chance the Rapper, Barack Obama, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and former Nintendo President Reggie Fils-Aime.)
via: TwitterYeah Claire, don't waste that precious after-tax income on this latest attempt to encourage social strivers to show that they live at a more rarified level than the proletariat! Instead, waste it on the tried and true way we social strivers have been showing we live at a more rarified level than the proletariat: by going to the dentist.
via: ShutterstockWe can only imagine Claire's reaction to the email, but if I had to guess, I'd say she took a mental inventory of everything she's ever purchased in her life and sorted them into two columns: "Things I bought because I like them" and "Things I bought in an attempt to live in a more rarified level than the proletariat."
via: ShutterstockIt really is the elegance with which Claire's father tells her, essentially, "Don't buy that dumb bike, you nincompoop." We all expect our parents to tell us when we're messing up, but how often do they do it with such well-argued, Platonic fury? It's good to see a man of this age continuing to hone his language skills and becoming a better writer.
via: TwitterI agree that "after-tax income" is a pretty dad-like phrase, but is it the most dad-like phrase? I think that distinction would go to, "Hey kiddo, how was your baseball game? Sorry I missed it, got stuck at work again."
via: TwitterWhether he wins the nomination or not, Claire's dad's presence in the primary would push the party further towards an anti-expensive exercise bikes position. You have to imagine that would help Democrats in the bible belt.
via: TwitterSee, that offer right there? To put him on a monthly retainer? That's gonna be Claire's dad's first area of attack. Because having anyone on a retainer is yet another way God tells us we have too much money. Leviticus 13:12 says, "Pay someone for a job once, not monthly. Also, put your savings in a Roth IRA account — low risk, high potential for growth. It's a no brainer, really."
via: TwitterNow @ jennyglassctb can go back to feeling jealous of her sister for normal reasons, like having the kind of metabolism that lets her eat all those croissants, or getting all their parents' love and affection.
via: TwitterYo @ glutengirlinATX, if you really think owning a Peloton is evidence from God that you have too much money, know that there are a lot of worthy causes you could be donating towards. For instance, I want a Playstation 4.
via: TwitterNow that Claire's taken note of your inclination towards non-proletariat grandeur, it's time for her to take the next step and actually join us down here in the proletariat! It's got a lot to offer: the sting of sweat in your eyes; bloody, calloused hands, worked down to the bone; and almost enough pay to live!
via: TwitterWhat do you mean you'd hire Claire's dad "for extreme motivational content tbh"? He's inspiring his daughter to not buy your product! That'd be like hiring the ice cream man to be your personal trainer. The guy has a vested interest in seeing you lose!
via: Getty ImagesThere is still the possibility that Claire's dad is a little too set in his ways. What if — and this is just a hypothetical I'm throwing out there — but what if we should be treating ourselves to joy and, yes, frivolity, from time to time? There are some good aspects of buying a Peloton Bike as well!
via: Getty ImagesI'm sure it'll be fine. The dude's been pretty chill the last few times I bought an exercise bike instead of paying rent. (But I am not letting him use this one.)
via: Getty ImagesHow about one of those bikes with the big fan in the front? Does that thing work like an actual fan, or is it just a bizarre design choice? (Whoever made those knows stationary bikes don't actually need tires, right?)
via: ShutterstockBut honestly, old iPad 2s are on Craigslist for, like, 40 bucks. Claire would probably have to drive to a sketchy neighborhood to get it of course, but maybe she could hire a security team for that hour with the 2,205 she's saving by not buying a Peloton?
via: Getty ImagesSo pull out this email whenever you're tempted to spend money recklessly, and do the things you need to do to maintain your financial wellbeing: close that Amazon tab. Skip the Starbucks run. And for the love of God, cancel your dentist appointment. That whole thing is a racket. Your teeth are fine.