Losing weight sure isn't as fun as putting it on.
Imagine if there was ice cream that you could shovel into your mouth in the name of fitness. Or if there was a clause in the Chinese buffet that declared that after 4 plates you will start to build abs that would put Miley Cyrus' to shame.
Sadly, that is not a reality that we live in. But that's not to say that the reality that we do live in is anything close to logical. The latest dieting solution to come out of the lab is set to leave you sore, hungry, and involves wedging a chip into your frontal cortex.
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Where do I sign up?
I spent fifteen minutes googling "breakfast burritos" before I got out of bed this morning.
I then thought about food over and over again (in between wondering what my ex was doing and whether I needed a vacation) the whole journey to work.
It's been one of
those Thursday mornings.
Why am I telling you this?
Well, maybe I'm getting my period, which leaves me prone to oversharing. It also increases my appetite tenfold.
There's a science behind the period-donut-binge.
I mean, I eat donuts
throughout the month, but, typically, a woman is more likely to gorge on donuts, chocolate, pretzels, and chocolate pretzels
during her period.
Why? Because of science! According to some medical-sounding information that I found
online: "Some research suggests that changes in the levels of the hormones estrogen and progesterone cause cravings for foods rich in carbohydrates and sugars before a period. Carbs and sweet foods may also help relieve the low mood and fatigue that often occur prior to the onset of a period."
You know what you don't need while you peel open your third charleston chew after a long day of period cramps?
A zap to the brain for over-eating!
Now, you can call me crazy...
But, coming across this news story this morning, I couldn't help but think what it would be like if
I were to get the chip.
On reflection about how much time I have already spent thinking about food today, I can only imagine that the zapper would have had to work in over-drive and that my poor defenseless brain would be fried to a crisp...
... Crispy bacon...
... you see my problem?
The chip has been developed by medical technology company, NeuroPace.
via: Neuropace.com
Funnily enough, this impressive "technological responsive neurostimulation system" otherwise known as (RNS) wasn't invented to curb our snacking habits.
The chip was invented to treat epilepsy.
via: Neuropace.com
I mean that makes more sense, right? If I was suffering from seizures to the brain, then
maybe I'd be more keen to get a chip implanted into my brain than I would if I couldn't get Big Macs off my mind.
The chip works by tracking your brain activity.
via: Neurospace.com
...food..beep...embarrassing thing I said four years ago... beep...food...shall I call the kitten Banjo or Paul?...beep...
By constantly monitoring brain activity, the chip can detect patterns.
When the chip senses the pattern that normally occurs just before a seizure, it sends out a mild electric shock to the brain.
This has been proven to block seizures.
The mild electric shock system has been seen to prevent seizures before they even start. How cool is that?
The success of the chip on seizures led scientists to wonder what else it could be used for...
I mean, if a mild electric shock can block full-body seizures, what else could it block?
Adios depression, adieu anxiety...
The potential for a product like this chip is endless. Imagine if you could block every bad thought, every crippling self-assessment, that filters into your mind. We could become superhumans, impenetrable to pain.
The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.
This movie has always stuck in my head, and I've occasionally weighed up the benefits of having certain people erased from my mind.
It's certainly a dark dystopian idea and I can't remember whether it worked out so well for Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in the movie, but, perhaps there is a market for ex-erasure with the RNS chip?
"Binge-like behavior" could allude to a myriad of sins though, right?
I mean, googling someone's name over and over could be seen as binge-like behavior...
Watching every interview that Jenifer Carpenter has ever done could be seen as binge-like behavior...
Ordering three books a day on the joint Amazon account could be seen as binge-like behavior (*cough* Dad *cough*)...
Eating all four pots of chocolate pudding that were in the fridge is binge-like behavior...
But, seriously, they're so good and
so small.
We can buy big boy versions of basically everything else. Why can't I buy a tub of chocolate pudding the same size as those 1-liter natural yogurt tubs that you can get?
So what happened to the binge-eating mice?
The mice study was a success and the findings provided "preliminary evidence that RNS has the potential for treating intractable behavioral disorders that have not previously been considered optimal candidates for neurosurgical approaches, including eating disorders, and even obesity and addiction."
"Bring in the humans!"
With the study proving a success on mice, scientists at Stanford University have taken the decision to test out the chip on humans.
Six obese people are currently taking part in the clinical trial.
Over the next five years, in eighteen-month stretches, six volunteers who have been described as "morbidly obese" are living with the RNS chip to see if it could prevent them from reaching for the donut tray.
How will it work?
For the first six months, the chips that have been inserted into their brains will collect data and monitor brain activity. It will register patterns of behavior and will (they hope) be able to read brain activity related specifically to the compulsion of bing-eating.
After the first six months?
Let the zapping begin!
Once the chip is familiar with the brain's activity, it can start to control it.
Okay, the way I've worded it makes it sound super freaky, but, essentially, that
is what they plan to do.
Once the simulation is turned on, the aim of the chip will be to send mild electric pulses to the brain when it detects that the patient is about to binge-eat.
The trial will determine whether the chip is safe and effective.
Scientists are confident that, after the five-year trial period, they will be able to determine whether using the chip will suppress over-eating and whether it is a safe means of treatment.
Hopefully, those trialling it won't end up with fried brains! .... mmm, fried bacon...
not again!
This treatment isn't going to be available to any old Tom, Dick or Harry.
The scientists behind the trial are keen to point out that this is not going to be a procedure offered to anyone looking to get "beach body ready."
This procedure is a last resort for people with a body mass index (BMI) over forty-five and those who have not to lost weight after getting cognitive-behavioral therapy and a gastric bypass.
... I mean, they say that now, but give it twenty years and I'm sure that I'll be able to pick one up for my
chunky cat in Walmart. You heard it here first.
If you're looking for an alternative dieting strategy that
doesn't involve getting a chip inserted into your brain or involve living off boiled eggs and tabasco or something else bizarre and seemingly unpleasant, continue scrolling for a list of real-life hacks for losing weight...
